This is something that I never thought about sharing publicly or let alone on a blog but I was recently inspired and moved by a recent video that I watched on YouTube.
Last night I cam across the YouTube channel of Keiara Moore AKA Aussie Mum Vlogger, she is from northern NSW in Australia, I found her channel by fluke in between looking up surprise pregnancy announcements (yes I am one of those lame people)
She had uploaded her video ‘Telling my fiance I’m pregnant with baby number 2’ and after watching her video and thinking I am going to follow her as I really enjoyed her video and wanted to see the rest of the journey.
Doing so led me to see some more of her videos which some were unfortunately titled ‘Bleeding & possible ectopic Pregnancy’ & ‘Miscarriage is Happening’ my heart broke for her and her little family and I knew I had to watch the rest of her videos and follow her through this tough time.
A lot of the things she was going through and spoke about really resonated with me, Keiara spoke about her she knew her video would get some hate because a lot of people believe you shouldn’t talk about miscarriage because it’s taboo topic which I just can’t even fathom.
People should be able to talk about miscarriage openly and honestly to tell people how they are feeling and share their battles and struggles coping with the lose of a child.
My story starts three years ago, it was December about a week or two before Christmas, I talked to my partner one night about my boobs really hurting to the point where I couldn’t sleep on my stomach ( which i was finding so annoying as I can only sleep on my stomach) I found it so weird as I had never really had that happen before but i just presumed it was due to being really busy and stressed at work but then a few days later it was still happening and as I have history of breast cancer in my family I started stressing that, that was the reason and now I have breast cancer (never google symptoms because you’re always dying when googling symptoms).
It probably wasn’t until just before Christmas eve that I started realising that I hadn’t had my period in a little while ( i had recently come of the pill i think probably about 8 or so months prior and I never kept track of when my period would come) I ended up buying a pregnancy test but with it being so crazy busy with Christmas and seeing family I didn’t end up taking the test until boxing day night (day after Christmas) I remember the day so clearly I had come home from my nans after doing some shopping with my sister and my partner’s nephew was over, so I went into our en suite and took the test to be honest I really didn’t think at all that I was pregnant and every other time I had taken a test it had been negative so I guess my head and heart were telling me it’s going to be negative again.
Imagine my surprise when it was positive I honestly couldn’t even believe it I remember just covering my mouth in shock and started crying. I called my partner in quietly as I didn’t want his nephew to know and we both were dumbfounded we were never trying to conceive but we weren’t ‘not’ trying in the same way after i got off the pill we didn’t use any contraceptive so it’s not like getting pregnant was ruled out completely but because we had always had negative tests that we just didn’t expect to actually get a positive result.
So the next day I went for a blood test, but they couldn’t get any blood from my veins so the doctor just did another urine test which confirmed the pregnancy and was told to get folic acid vitamins and come back the next day for another blood test. Went back for the blood test and then I went to the local shopping center afterwards and couldn’t help but pick up the book What to expect when your expecting. Looking back on it now it was pretty silly to get the book but I was just so excited and didn’t really anything would go wrong.
Went to the doctors the next day which was New Years Eve and got my blood test results which further confirmed the pregnancy and gave my HCG levels (which I cant remember for the life of me) they told me to come back in about two weeks or so and then we would go from there. At this stage we hadn’t told anyone at all, I think I was really scared about what my family would say as I think 23 at the time and when my mum got pregnant really young with me she always wanted me and my sister to do a lot more things before having a family.
When I got home I was doing some laundry and needed to go to the toilet, when I was on the toilet I noticed that there was some blood on my underwear (TMI) which made me freak out, I ended up calling my partners mum to speak to her about it as i didn’t know what to do and by then it was after 5pm so the doctors was closed.
She told me not to stress and if it was a miscarriage there wasn’t really anything I could do about it anyway. So we went out to my partners sisters house for New Years and to be honest I couldn’t really enjoy myself because I was so worried about what was going on and whether I was still pregnant.
The next morning I contacted the doctors and made an appointment, my partner came with me and i spoke to the doctor and we did a blood test and unfortunately the results the next day confirmed that I had miscarried, I really didn’t know how to feel at first I broke down in my car and again when I got home and confirmed the news with my partner.
The next few days for me were rough,I felt really alone as no one knew so I didn’t really have anyone to talk too apart from my partner and he was such a good support system for me but we deal with things differently and sometimes a girl just needs her mum.
Few days later I was back at work to start the new year and that was where I experienced majority of my miscarriage, thankfully it wasn’t very painful just some slight cramping and a lot of bleeding but was hard to not tell anyone what was going on.
I still think about that day and that baby that would today almost be 3 years old, it’s crazy to think about it that if everything had have worked out how I wanted them too I would be a mum to a almost three year old.
Still to this day not a lot of people know, majority of mine and my partners family know and some of our closest friends know but that’s it, it makes me sad that in this day and age I have never expressed this or told this publicly as I was worried and scared as to what people would say or think but watching Keiara’s video’s has honestly motivated me to tell my story as well in the hope that if one person reading this is going through the same thing they can know that they aren’t alone and they should talk about it and seek out help and support if they need it because they aren’t alone and no matter their circumstances in life they have a support team who will be there for them regardless.
I have linked Keiara’s channel below and I highly encourage you to go check out her content, subscribe and like her videos.
Thanks for reading if you have made it through 1356 words.
Have a great weekend, my next blog will be live Monday.
Visit Keiara’s page via – http://www.youtube.com/user/keiarajm/featured